"Twelve Days Of Christmas" lyrics - BOB & DOUG MCKENZIE

[Bob:] OK, good day. This is our Christmas part of the album. You can play this at your Christmas parties, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if there's nothin' else to do.
[Doug:] Good day, eh? In case you thought, like, I wasn't on this part.
[Bob:] Oh, I guarantee ya you'd be on. OK, so good day. This is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get..um...your true love for Christmas.
[Doug:] Look out the window!
[Bob:] Where? [chuckle] What are ya doin'?!?
[Doug:] Snow, hosehead!
[Bob:] Well, oh, it's the Great White North, and it's snowing 'cause it's Christmastime. Hey, hoser!
[Doug:] What?
[Bob:] Here's a quiz. [chuckle] Quiz for Doug...
[Doug:] OK, I have my "thinking toque" on.
[Bob:] Yeah, right. What are the "Twelve Days of Christmas"? 'Cause, figure it out, right? Christmas is when?
[Doug:] Um, the twenty-fifth...
[Bob:] Right. And, what's the twenty-fourth...Christmas Eve, right? So..
[Doug:] That's two
[Bob:] That's two. And, then what's after that? (pause) Boxing Day
[Doug:] Wrestling Day
[Bob:] Wrestl.. get out!
[Doug:] Boxing Day, yeah, yeah.
[Bob:] That's three. Then, what's after that? Nothin'!
[Doug:] New Year's!
[Bob:] Four and what's...
[Doug:] New Year's Eve?
[Bob:] That's five. Where do ya get twelve?
[Doug:] Uh, there's two Saturdays and Sundays in there; that's four. So, that's nine. And three other days which, I believe, are the "mystery" days.

[Music starts]

[Bob:] OK, this our Christmas song, just in case you don't know what to get someone for Christmas.
[Doug:] There's lots of ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck!

[Organ starts]

[Doug:] By the way, that's ME on the organ.
[Bob:] Oh, geez.
[Doug:] You start...
[Bob:] OK...

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A beer.

[Doug:] On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Two turtle-necks
[Bob:] And a beer.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Three French toast
[Doug:] Two turtle-necks
[Bob:] And a beer.
[Doug:] There should be more there, eh?
[Bob:] Where? Oh, go!

[Doug:] Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Four pounds of back-bacon
[Bob:] Three French toast
[Doug:] Two turtle-necks
[Bob:] And a beer.
[Doug:]...in a tree. See, you need more.

[Bob:] Oh... fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Five golden toques,
[Doug:] Four pound of back-bacon
[Bob:] Three French toast
[Doug:] Two turtle necks
[Bob:] And a beer... where?
[Doug with Bob:] In a tree.

[Bob:] OK, on the sixth...oo, go!
[Doug:]..Christmas, my true love gave to me,
[Chorus:] Six...
[Doug:] Six packs of Tuborg
[Bob & Chorus:] Five golden toques
[Chorus:] Four...
[Doug:] Four pounds of back-bacon
[Chorus:] Three...
[Bob:] Three French toast
[Chorus:] Two...
[Doug:] Two turtle-necks
[Chorus:] And a beeeeeeeeer...
[Bob:] And a beer [with Doug:] in a tree. OK.

[Bob:] On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Seven pack of smokes,
[Chorus:] Nice gift!
[Doug:] Nice gift. Oh...six packs of Tuborg
[Bob & Chorus:] Five golden toques.
[Chorus:] Four...
[Doug:] Four pounds of back-bacon
[Chorus:] Three...
[Bob:] Three French toast
[Chorus:] Two...
[Doug:] Two turtle-necks
[Chorus:] And a beeeeeeeeer...
[Bob:] And a beer [with Doug:] in a tree. Keep forgetting.
[Doug:] Whew! This should just be the "Two Days of Christmas"; it's too hard for us! Go, hoser.

[Bob & Doug:] On the eighth day of Christmas, may true love gave to me,
[Doug:] Eight comic books
(Chorus repeats right behind them, though one behind)
[Bob & Doug:] Seven packs of smokes
Six pack of Tuborg
[Bob:] Five...
[Chorus:] [catches up] Five golden toques
Four pounds of back-bacon
Three French toast
Two turtle-necks
[All:] And a beer...
[Bob & Doug:] On my tree.
[Bob:] Yeah, that beer is empty. OK, day, um...
[Chorus:] TWELVE!
[Bob:] Twelve!
[Doug:] Good day, and welcome to day twelve..
[Chorus starts up and Bob and Doug join in]
[All:] Five golden toques
Four pounds of back-bacon,
Three French toast
Two turtle-necks
And a beer in a treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
[Doug:] Where'd you learn to do that?
[Bob:] Um, albums.
[Doug:] So, like, that's our song. Merry Christmas...
[Bob:] Merry Christmas!
[Doug:] And good day!
[Bob:] Good day! Ha-happy New Year, too.
[Doug:] Shhh!
[Bob:] OK, you know what you left out?
[Doug:] What?
[Bob:] Donuts!
[Doug:] Oh, no!
[Bob:] I told you to get donuts. Either on the ninth day, or the tenth day or the eleventh day, but I want donuts!
[Doug:] OK, the song's over! Merry Christmas, everybody!
[Bob:]...or, on the twelfth day, you could've got me a DOZEN donuts...
[Doug:] So,..go out to the stores and get some presents!
[Bob:] You could've gone down, to, like, the good donut shops where you buy a dozen, you get another one free, and then it'd be thirteen for the "Thirteen Days of Christmas"!
[Doug:] Next Christmas, you can get me a chain-saw!
[Bob:] Take off!

[As music fades]

[Doug:] Boy, that song was a beauty. It...it moved me.
[Bob:] Yeah, I think it ranks up there with "Stairway to Heaven".
[Doug:] What?