"Argument" lyrics - MONTY PYTHON

I'd like to have an argument, please.

Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?

No, this is my first time.

I see. Well, were you thinking of taking a five minute argument or a course?

Well, what's the cost?

It's 1 for a five minute argument, but it's 8 for a course of ten.

I think I'll take the five minutes and see how it progresses.

Very well. Now, Mr. Hayward isn't free at the moment, nor is Mr. Baker.
Here we go, Mr. Maynard, Room 12.

Thank you.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

Well, I was told outside-

DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!

What?!

SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT!
YOUR TYPE REALLY MAKES ME PUKE, YOU PERVERT!

What are you doing?! I came in here for an argument!

Oh! I'm sorry, but this is abuse.

Oh, that explains it.

Yes, you want Room 12A. Next door.

Thank you.

Not at all. (Door shuts) Stupid git.

Is the right room for an argument?

I've told you once.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

When?

Just now.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

Excuse me. Is the five minute argument or the half hour?

Oh, just the five minute.

Thank you. Anyway, I did tell you.

No, you most certainly did not.

Let's get one thing straight: I most definitely told you.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

This isn't an argument!

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't. It's just contradiction.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. You just contradicted me.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

No, no, no.

You did just then.

That's ludicrous.

Oh, this is futile.

No, it isn't.

I came in here for a good argument.

No, you didn't. You came in here for an argument.

Well, argument isn't the same as contradiction.

Can be.

No, it can't.
An argument is a collective series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. It isn't just contradiction.

Look, if I argue with you. I must take a contrary position.

But it isn't just saying No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't. Argument's an intellectual protest,
Contradiction just the automatic opposite of any statement the other person makes.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

Not at all.

Now, look- (Bell dings)

Good morning.

What?

That's it. Good morning.

I was just getting interested.

I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.

That was not five minutes.

I'm afraid it was.

Oh, no, it wasn't. (Argument professional looks around the room)

I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.

What?

If you want to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

But that was not five minutes, just now. (Professional whistles) Oh, come on.

If you want to continue arguing, you must pay for another five minutes.

Oh, fine. Here.

Thank you.

Well?

Well what?

That was not five minutes, just then.

I told you, you have to pay.

I just paid.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

I don't want to argue about that.

Well, you didn't pay.

Ah, but if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Aha! Got you.

No, you haven't.

Yes, I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.

Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

Oh, I've had enough of this.

No, you haven't.

Oh, shut up!