"The Winker's Song" lyrics - IVOR BIGGUN

My mother said,
That I never should,
Play with the naughty rude girls in the wood.

Their giggling talk,
I could never understand,
And that's why I fell in love with my right hand.

And that's why,

[Chorus:]
I'm a wanker,
I'm a wanker,
And it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm a wanker,
I'm a wanker,
And I'm always pulling my pud.

I was twenty five years old before I was kissed,
And then I found that I preferred a swift one off the wrist.
It's cheap and convenient,
You can't catch VD,
It's available at any time,
And it's absolutely free.

And that's why,

[Chorus]

Oh Mrs. Palm and your five lovely daughters,
Thank you for having me and being oh so kind,
I've got pains in my arms,
And my dong is growing shorter,
My knees have turned to water,
And I think I'm going blind.

I've wanked over Italy,
I've wanked over Spain,
I've wanked in an omnibus,
I've even had a wank in a train.

I've used a badger and a melon and a cat,
An inflatable Linda Lovelace and a Davy Crocket hat,

And that's why,

[Chorus]

'Ere listen!

Oh Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters,
Thank you for having me and being oh so kind,
I've got pains in my arms,
And my dong is getting shorter,
My knees have turned to water,
And I think I'm going blind.

[Chorus 6x]

I'm a wanker!
I'm a wanker!
It does me good!
I'm a wanker!
I'm always pulling me pud!
I'm a wanker!
I'm a wanker!